Judgment and Criticism Can Hurt You
During this political season in the US, there’s a lot of judgement and criticism going on. This seems to be an inherent part of our process of electing officials. There is, of course, a difference between discussing issues with our friends and family versus calling people denigrating names because of what they believe or say. Judging seems to be a big part of our lives in general.
Most of us know that if we judge or criticize others, we’re inviting the same to come hurling back towards ourselves. Worse than that, I think, is the atmosphere we create around ourselves when we are in the state of mind that criticizes or condemns others.
That atmosphere is dark, heavy, muggy, and sad. There’s nothing good about condemning someone else – even if what we’re saying is the objective truth of the situation. We can learn to observe something without judging it or discussing it with others.
I’m not advocating that we let go of our sense of responsibility. Sometimes, especially if we are a supervisor of some kind, it is our job to let someone know their performance isn’t up to par. Sometimes a supplier drops the ball and the product they send isn’t satisfactory. Those are legitimate times to tell another person that something isn’t quite right. This is not the same as criticizing, complaining, or gossiping about another person.
There’s a great book by Edwene Gaines, a Unity Minister in Alabama. It’s called The Four Spiritual Laws of Prosperity. In it she talks about doing a 21-day program where you don’t verbalize any complaints, judgments, criticisms, or gossip. You try not to think them to yourself, either. She marked off 21 days on her calendar. If she missed a day, she had to start over. Edwene says that she was shocked at how little she had to say during the 21 days. It helped her make some real changes in how she looked at other people!
Give this a try. I started my 21 days yesterday and made it through the first day – whew! It will be interesting to see if I can make it the entire 21 days without having to start over. I’ll tell you one thing: it makes me very aware of what words leave my mouth. I find I am thinking carefully before speaking! That’s no easy task given today’s bombastic climate!
Living in grace and ease,
Krysta
"For 21 days don’t verbalize any complaints, judgments, criticisms, or gossip." .....this takes uncompromising honesty and a degree of absolute truth with myself I don't think I've ever attained. If all I gain from this 21 day exercise is confronting the lies I tell myself, it will have been worth it. Another aspect of this challenge might be to verbalize acknowledgments, declarative statements of tolerance and acceptance, speaking such that our words strengthen and cleanse our environments.
Hmmm. I'm paid for feedback on people's writing. This is my solution to that:
The PQS Method of Giving Feedback.:
#1 Praise comes first because people build best on their strengths. "I love the character, Uncle John. I really want to know everything about him."
#2 Questions are second, and a really clever critique can address any problem in this way. It’s called the Socratic method. For example, “Why doesn’t Uncle John say more to Alex after he’s found the treasure?” It sounds so much less judgmental than saying, “Uncle John should say more” or “Uncle John doesn’t say enough to Alex.” Of course, this could even be done as praise: “I loved your scene with Uncle John and Alex so much that I wanted to hear more dialogue between them.”
#3 Suggestions are last and should always take into consideration that people’s opinions differ – not all advice is worth taking. Furthermore, suggestions should always be in the form of a concrete recommendation, rather than an ambiguous judgment. So, “You need to develop the characters more” is less workable than, “Readers will probably want to know how tall Uncle John is, how he dresses, and why he’s so morose.” Phrase all suggestions with “in my opinion” or “I think” or “in my experience” or quote an authority.