Forgiveness

While going through my deceased sister’s old photos and paperwork, I found she had kept an article I wrote for The New Times newspaper in December 1992. I was impressed that out of all the articles and books I have written, this was the one she cut out and saved. We had not discussed the article or this concept and I hope my writing helped her. I’m publishing it again here and trust it will land for those who might need the supportive ideas conveyed. Here it is.

For years, I’ve heard and read about forgiveness: how it is an essential part of the healing process, how are prosperity depends on it, how we cannot be enlightened without it.

In some situations, and with some people, forgiveness seems to flow very easily. In others, however, forgiveness seems to hide like a bear hibernating in winter time. Besides, how can we ever forgive someone who’s clearly in the wrong – someone who has abused us, leaving us deeply wounded? In some situations, it seems that forgiveness isn’t appropriate at all; in fact, it even seems phony.

There’s a debate within the recovery community over whether or not a person can heal from childhood wounds, unless the person forgives their abuser. The pro folks say that until one forgives, they are forever bound to the abuser and cannot experience freedom, nor can they expect to complete their healing process.

On the other side of the debate are those who say this is hogwash. Some actions are unforgivable and to expect the victim to forgive the perpetrator is ludicrous. They say healing can occur whether or not forgiveness is granted.

After much contemplation on the issue, I pretty much concluded that this is a personal matter – one which must be decided by each individual. I still believe this, but had a recent experience that brought more light to the situation for me.

I’ve done a lot of work with my family of origin issues and have reached a comfortable level of understanding about my legacy in that regard. In the past, I’d sometimes wondered if I had forgiven my parents, or if I had just finally accepted them for who they were and was able to let go of further expectations of them – an admittedly monumental feet for most of us!

A week or so before my mother’s recent death I had been working on some final feelings of rejection and being misunderstood. I was driving along in my car when all of a sudden I was flooded with a delicious sense of peace and understanding regarding her. I felt not one ounce of animosity. I felt accepting and understanding of her and her life.

I realized, “this is forgiveness. I have forgiven her and I have a genuine sense that she did her best. Granted, in some instances, her best was grossly lacking, according to my needs, but it was still her best. So this is what forgiveness feels like. It was a feeling of release and clarity that was refreshing, revitalizing, and it went all the way to my core.

Naturally, I wondered “how did this happen? I wasn’t trying to forgive her. I hadn’t even been thinking about it. How could this have happened?“

In looking back over the events which preceded this incident, I came to the conclusion that I could not have manufactured the feelings of forgiveness. I could not have called them up by command as I had been exhorted to do so frequently. I discovered “forgiveness happens.” As a wise one I know said “forgiveness is a byproduct of healing, not the other way around.”

Because I had continued to follow my own process of healing, I was eventually gifted with the byproduct of forgiveness.

I now understand why some folks try and try to forgive, but just can’t do it. The resentment lingers on. I now comprehend why we can say we understand someone’s behavior, how we know they’re doing their best, but inside we are seething with anger. We can’t force understanding. We can’t force forgiveness. Despite what some of the spiritual books seem to say, forgiveness doesn’t make appearance on demand. We can only do our inner work and trust that forgiveness will come to us in the right time and way , if indeed it does arrive for us at all. Perhaps not everyone needs to have this experience in relation to the people who have been instruments of pain.

We could reach forgiveness by honestly working on whatever issues we have with someone. By facing these issues as directly as possible, knowing that healing has its own pace and timing, we remain open to receiving the blessings and grace that are there for us, attracting them to us rather than desperately chasing after them.

I don’t know absolutely if this is true or not, but I suspect that although forgiveness is not a requirement for healing, if we do heal forgiveness will eventually follow. This was a transcendent experience for me. Now that I have felt the richness of forgiveness in regard to one person, experiencing it in other difficult situations will be much more frequent and easier, even when I’m not seeking it.

During the holiday season, when old wounds might be reopened, the best gift we can give to ourselves and to others is to continue walking our chosen path with consistency, integrity, and love, while staying open to receive the many blessings being sent our way. Who knows, one of them might be the magic of forgiveness!

Living in creative joy, grace, and ease,

Krysta

Some of my artwork is available as prints by going here. Click on a picture and you can view the various options available. These would make great holiday gifts for yourself or others!