Are you obligated? Really?
Too often we approach life as a series of things we have to do. We feel obligated. We have to go to work. We have to pay our bills. We have to be nice to people. Living in this state of obligation is draining. Truly, there is only one thing we must do. One of these days we will die; we will make the transition to a different reality. We all face death someday. Other than that event, we have choices about how we live our lives as long as we’re willing to accept the results of our choices.
Many moons ago, I was speaking with a boss I had. I’m not sure how the subject came up, but Shirley, my boss, was talking about homeless people she was calling “bag ladies.” Shirley spoke of them as victims of society and how horrible it was that they were forced to live on the streets. After saying I agreed that this was not a good thing, I made some sort of statement about how life choices can take us to places we don’t want to go.
Shirley went into a long diatribe about how heartless I was and how dare I say these people choose to live on the streets. Again, I agreed with her. I agreed that if we went and spoke with some of them, they would say how much they want off the streets, to have their own home, a job, and stability. I told Shirley we were not in disagreement. What I was talking about was the series of choices that had been made that resulted in homelessness. I was not saying these were bad people. I was not saying they deliberately wanted to live on the streets.
What I was saying is that life is a series of choices as well as of circumstances that have landed these people in the situations they were in. Should we help them? Absolutely. As a society we have failed the homeless terribly. But I told Shirley I stood by my position. Otherwise, I said, you’re saying we’re victims of circumstances, so why bother trying to make good choices in our lives. Let’s help people learn how to make better choices so they don’t end up living on the streets. Let’s work to improve our mental health system, take better care of our veterans, and help people choose to live without dangerous drugs.
Is it possible for us to change how we experience our world so we live more from a sense of choice? Sometimes when we consider things we feel obligated to do, we don’t like what could be an alternative way of accomplishing the goal. Then we say we don’t have a choice when we do. Sometimes we’re addicted to life being dramatic and get our sense of self from life being difficult. Accepting we do have a choice is what frees us. Freedom is recognizing that we are beings of choices and not beings of obligation.
Taking responsibility for our lives and choices doesn’t equal blame and guilt. Too often people shy away from taking personal responsibility because they think this means they are guilty or wrong. Not true. Taking responsibility puts us more in the flow of life and gives us the possibility of changing something if we don’t like what we’re creating.
We don’t have to go to work – we can take the consequences of not working. The same with paying bills and being nice to people. We can choose not to do these things while being willing to accept the consequences of our decisions. I’m not advocating for us to be irresponsible. I am advocating for us to make conscious choices and live with the consequences we create. Let life become a series of choices. Then we’re not resisting the reality we’ve created – we’re cooperating with it and we’re in the place of being able to make course corrections.
Remember: we are not what we do – let’s not define ourselves by our activities. We are so much more than our roles at home or work. When we allow ourselves to be free agents, our choices can be more expansive and soul-enriching. Ask yourself whose life you’re living? Yours or the one other people say you should be living? The answer to the first questions I asked is “No.” We are not obligated unless we choose to be. Let’s recognize that we are beings of choices and not beings of obligation and experience true freedom.
Living in grace and ease,
Krysta
Interesting post, with several overlapping ideas and concepts. There's a lot to unpack, and I'm not going to attempt to do that. But there's a couple points to ponder: The first thing to confront might be our choice to be born in the first place. That's a big one to get past! "Who were you before you had a face?" Another thing is the difference between a choice and a decision. They're not the same thing but often collapse in on each other. Then there's the situation where you have a good job on Monday and Tuesday the company closes. You're out of a job. That really wasn't a choice or a decision: it was an effect. When we're able to create causes AND effects -- consciously and deliberately -- then we're well on the way to knowing life and death as choices, not obligations or burdens. I see it as a higher form of responsibility such that, from a pan-determined consideration, we become responsible for our choices, and the choices others make. We're not there yet.